From “Walk with Me: A Journey through the Landscape of Trauma” by Ellen Corcella
I did not want to admit that my dream career, coupled with the professional achievements and financial security, left me debilitated and exhausted rather than exhilarated. Exhaustion has a solution – time off and vacation. A vacation, however, could not fix my collapsing soul. For twenty years, I tried to outrun my mother’s screams and my father’s indifference. I tried to contain my inner demons, hide my unworthiness, and fake the self-confidence to sit elbow to elbow with the most intelligent and gifted attorneys in the country.
My career failed to fill the emptiness in my chest. New York City burst at the seams with manufactured marvels: the tallest buildings, the wealthiest bankers, the most fabulous theaters, and the most elite addresses in the world. We all had to be the best at achieving money, fame, power, and prestige, My spirit was consumed with work. Outside of work, I headed to bars and restaurants with fellow prosecutors, our conversations filled with tales of our cases, the judges, and the characters we encountered along the way. With my workload along with my reticence to get close to others, my relationships and romances were few and far between.
I couldn’t continue to invest all my energy into being the great lawyer who saved the world one investigation, one trial at a time. Under the weight of constant stressors, my internal structure split into a professional self who manifested a veneer of success and a personal self, filled with dread, dissatisfaction, and disconnection from the world. I lacked an emotional counterbalance: I was not anchored in the most fundamental sense – the sense of being held, being safe, and being loved – that should have been molded during childhood.
I was headed full speed into a brick wall and risked collapse of my very being. Somewhere deep beneath my consciousness, I knew I needed to fix my soul.