From “Telling Stories in the Dark: Finding healing and hope in sharing our sadness, grief, trauma, and pain” by Jeffrey Munroe
In the Internal Family Systems model, there are protective parts and exile parts. The protective parts appear as both managers and firefighters, which use different coping strategies to protect us from pain. We have multiple manager parts, and they usually function well. They are the parts of us that are achievers, that keep the shop running and stay busy. They get along with life.
As Chuck spoke, he mentioned his ability to flip into manager mode. “I may be having a rough day where I’m dealing with social anxiety and shame-filled narratives are working inside of me. Let’s say there’s a faculty meeting that day. I am probably not going to show up to the faculty meeting that way. I’m going to show up in manager mode showing the part of me that looks competent and like he belongs on a faculty. I will be my smart, academic self. Sometimes I might be really feeling like I don’t belong – one way I deal with the insecurity of that is by cracking jokes and being funny. Sometimes Funny Chuck shows up at a meeting alongside Smart Chuck. Or maybe, if I don’t fully get out of the exile mode, I’ll probably just stay quiet in the meeting.”
Exiles hold shame and pain. Exiles are sealed off and long to take cover and escape. They carry our burdens and our stories of abuse. Managers work to protect the exile. In therapy, the therapist starts working with the manager, because people won’t show the exile right away. Therapists work through the manager to get to the exile. THe other protective part Schwartz identifies is the firefighter. Firefighters go into overdrive when the exile is under threat and the manager doesn’t seem to be able to handle it. Firefighters douse the pain of the exile with something that will work quickly to make the pain go away. Firefighters may drink the night away or medicate the pain by binging on food or pornography. Addictions can develop when this way of self-medicating forms neural pathways. We’re also genetically prone to addictions, if our parents or grandparents struggle with addictions, we’re more prone to use this way of dealing with pain.
At the worse, firefighters deal with pain by extinguishing a person’s life altogether.
“I don’t believe,” Chuck said, “that a True Self takes its own life. I believe suicide comes from a part of us that says, ‘I’ll take care of this for you, I’ll make the pain go away forever.’”